An Updated Annotated Chronology of Doktor Socksenberg

If there’s any character lurking in the Breakfast With The Beak archives more notorious than Fake Tim Pawlenty, it’s most certainly Doktor Socksenberg.

I have a tumultuous history with this particular puppet. For one thing, he was made in my image, which I find both flattering and offensive. The joke started simply enough: last July we got the idea to do an experimental show in which Johnny Goodtimes imagined a new sidekick out of one of his socks, and rapidly sank into dementia. This particular segment met with mixed reviews, but the character did manage to spark a few ideas; most notably Johnny’s inspiration to construct a real-life version of the puppet for use in visual media (rather than simply imitating a silly voice as one might expect in an audio-only podcast). He even painstakingly glued googly eyes and dozens of tiny bits of yarn to the puppet’s face to create an approximation of my own beard and hair. The result is somewhat grotesque, but undeniably clever.

Socksenberg’s personality has developed organically over the years, and it turns out he’s quite the sneaky, opportunistic, manipulative little bastard. Similar to the title characters in Evan Dorkin’s Milk and Cheese comic book, Doktor Socksenberg is both a harsh critic of all the things we despise, and also a spiteful antagonist of his own creator.

Doktor Socksenberg’s history with various forms of Beak-related media goes all the way back to 2011, so this is a good time to review and catalog his antics for future study:

Episode 15:
In July 2011, Johnny Goodtimes is led to believe that co-host Doktor Heisenberg (myself) has died tragically, and introduces the sock puppet, Doktor Socksenberg, as his replacement. Though initially friendly, within mere moments Socksenberg takes on an ominous edge, first with creepy declarations of love and devotion, before transitioning into outright mockery of Johnny’s fragile mental state. Socksenberg then attempts to derail the show with inaccurate statements about the history of Qatar.

Get Sweaty For Spaghetti:
Shortly after losing his co-hosting job, Socksenberg found a new career as the mascot for The North American Spaghetti Council. His first commercial debuted on YouTube in August 2011, in which he attempts to convince Doktor Heisenberg to purchase spaghetti with sharp volleys of verbal abuse.

Episode 21:
Socksenberg returns to the podcast to promote his new commercial. Johnny shows signs of being unable to distinguish reality from fantasy.

Episode 31:
In October, apropos of very little, Socksenberg appears mysteriously at the last second of the show to scream, “Hey assholes!” into the microphone.

Episode 35:
In November 2011, Doktor Socksenberg conspired to sabotage Breakfast With The Beak‘s Thanksgiving special by inviting random guests to the Breakfast Kitchen via Google+ without the consent of the hosts. His efforts result in appearances by Fake Tim Pawlenty, whose overzealous advances of friendship prove to be deeply unsettling, and also Globey from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, with whom Socksenberg appears to have a lasting camaraderie.

A Very Spaghetti Valentine’s Day:
In February Doktor Socksenberg starred in a special Valentine’s Day-themed commercial for the North American Spaghetti Council. The ad implies that buying spaghetti for your sweetheart is a guaranteed path to sexual conquest.

Episode 50:
Socksenberg returns to the podcast to teach us about viral marketing, the ineffectiveness of all professionals claiming to be media consultants, and his growing empire of corporate branding partnerships.

Breakfast is Coming:
To promote the beginning of Season 2 of Breakfast With The Beak, Doktor Socksenberg appeared in a graphic parody of the promotional material for Game of Thrones, in which he takes the place of Tyrion Lannister.

Season 2 Trailer:
Socksenberg lurks ominously in the background of the Breakfast With The Beak Season 2 YouTube trailer. He does not speak, and appears to be preparing to steal a bottle of wine.

Episode 68:
Doktor Socksenberg returned to the podcast again in July 2012 to promote his latest business venture, Socksenberg Condoms, with the slogan, “They’re fuzzy for her pleasure!”

Episode 78:
In his role as official spokespuppet of the North American Spaghetti Council, Doktor Socksenberg visits the show in September 2012 to deliver the Council’s official stance on the “Sketti” episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. His disapproval is especially vehement at the use of ketchup in place of an official sauce, and the probable conclusion that the ketchup in question was bought on auction from dead people. (Sidenote: This segment is the only time on record in which, during the taping, I laughed so hard I vomited. The vomit audio was cut from the final broadcast.)

Episode 92:
The tinkling of jingle bells announces the approach of Doktor Socksenberg onto 2012’s Christmas episode, in which Socksenberg joins Johnny and myself in reminiscing about our adventures with Pittsburgh’s favorite eccentric panhandler. Socksenberg reveals that he used to work as an incompetent dishwasher, but refuses to delve deeper into his own backstory, citing the “power of myth.”


If you’re interested in reliving any of these classic Doktor Socksenberg moments, every episode of Breakfast With The Beak can be downloaded free by subscribing to us on iTunes, or via our RSS feed.


An Updated Annotated Chronology of Fake Tim Pawlenty

There’s been a lot of downloading action in the Breakfast With The Beak archives this summer, and whilst this no doubt means countless hours of petty amusement for the new listener, a fair bit of confusion is inevitable. Of all the curious artifacts to be found within our back catalog, perhaps the most peculiar is the occasional visit from Tim Pawlenty, former governor of Minnesota and former Republican primary candidate!

Well, obviously, it’s not the real Tim Pawlenty. Anybody who’s familiar with Scott Aukerman’s podcast Comedy Bang Bang will be familiar with the gag: Scott interviews one comedian, while another comedian interrupts in the guise of a ludicrous character and disrupts the entire show. It’s a very podcasty sort of joke. On Breakfast With The Beak, of course, it’s me doing the voice of Fake Tim Pawlenty, and my mission is to derail Johnny as much as possible.

The Fake Tim Pawlenty character has a surprisingly rich history on our show; with appearances extending the length of the excruciatingly vast election 2012 campaign season. In case you’re not up to speed, here’s a brief summary of our many infamous Fake Tim Pawlenty moments:

Episode 14:
Way back in June 2011, the Republican party had nine candidates vying for the primary nomination, many of whom were utterly ludicrous caricatures of actual human beings. On the show I declared that I would select one of those candidates to be my personal comedic punching bag until such time as they dropped out of the race. I picked Tim Pawlenty because he was so damned white bread boring and forgettable, and crafted a new high-pitched, screechy voice inspired by the work of Brad Neely.

Episode 18:
In July we hypothesized that Pawlenty’s forgettability might actually be part of his nefarious plan to rise to power without anyone noticing; similar to psychological manipulations utilized by The Silence in the (then) most recent season of Doctor Who. Fake Pawlenty appears briefly to say innocuous things in a spooky tone.

Episode 22:
In August, the real Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the G.O.P. primary race. In response, I announced that it was my last chance to use up all my left-over T-Paw jokes before they became utterly irrelevant. Fake T-Paw drops by to advertise his latest business venture, “Tim Pawlenty’s Bed and Breakfast.”

Episode 23:
Fake T-Paw starts off the show with some new ideas on how to re-brand some of America’s favorite breakfast cereals.

Episode 35:
On a whim in November 2011, we assembled a bizarre “Thanksgiving Special” in which multiple characters appeared throughout the show to derail the conversation. Fake Pawlenty was joined by Doktor Socksenberg, a sock puppet designed by Johnny Goodtimes as a replacement for myself, and Globey from 1980s TV show Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. During the episode, it is revealed that Doktor Socksenberg has an awkward history with the clingy Fake Pawlenty, who declares that they’re “secret best friends.”

Episode 46:
In February 2012, Fake Tim Pawlenty bought ad space on the podcast to promote Camp Pawlentawah, a Mitt Romney fundraising funnel disguised as a children’s summer camp run by a shadowy Super PAC.

Episode 65:
In June 2012, Fake Tim Pawlenty returned to the show in the role of a chat show pundit, to discuss the favoritism and entitlement that often comes into play when political parties select their presidential candidates. He denounces his former primary rivals as “unreliable.” Johnny Goodtimes describes his experiences with Fake Tim Pawlenty as, “it’s like being in the room with one of those mutants who sucks out your power.”

Episode 75:
In August 2012, Fake Pawlenty attempted to disguise himself as Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan. Johnny saw through the ruse immediately, but in a rare showing of supportiveness, encouraged T-Paw to try again. Confidence restored, T-Paw declared his intention to infiltrate the Republican National Convention and take Paul Ryan’s place.

White Board Wednesday #33:
Fans who follow us on Tumblr and Facebook will know that we keep a dry-erase white board in the Breakfast Kitchen Studio for show notes and other homeless jokes, and periodically share these notes as exclusive bonus content. On November 8th 2012, following President Obama’s defeat of the vile Mitt Romney, we found our usual wacky lists and crude drawings of the devil with his dick out erased and replaced with the following message:


Fake Tim Pawlenty hasn’t been heard on the show since. Will he ever return to delight or antagonize our audience? Will he ever again run for political office? I don’t know. If you’re really curious, ask a person from the future.

If you’re interested in reliving any of these classic Fake T-Paw moments, every episode of Breakfast With The Beak can be downloaded free by subscribing to us on iTunes, or via our RSS feed.